So if I let some of the thoughts in my head fly out, they go like this:
[ A BIG DISCLAIMER BEFORE YOU READ THIS - I'm really not looking for you to answer these questions... Truly these are things I have to answer for myself. These are just the kind of annoying, buzzing thoughts that go around in my head while I'm trying to figure out what direction I'm headed in. Which I am sure is NORMAL. I'm publishing them here because it usually helps me to write down/purge all the junk out of my head so I can KEEP MOVING FORWARD. ]
- When I originally proposed to teach for Artfest, I really, really hoped I'd get in. I was beyond thrilled when I did. What I didn't expect was for the "yes" answers to keep coming from other retreats. All of those "yes" answers have pushed my life out of its comfort zone which has both delighted me and stretched me this year. I have met my people, my tribe of fellow creatives.
- I didn't make it into Artfest for 2012. I can't help but wonder if I am really good enough for this teaching thing or were those projects just not my best work? (Mostly I sit on the side of those projects not being my best work... but the lack of confidence demons love to rear their ugly heads when I'm not moving forward.)
- I decided not to propose for Art Unraveled 2012. Did I do the right thing? What if they don't have me back? [Note to self: make freaking awesome proposals so they do.]
- Running around the country from April to September put a decent amount of strain on my family life. Is it worth it? Will removing a few events make things better?
- I've said yes too much. Some of that is because I didn't really know what I was saying yes to. Some is because I have a fear that if I say no for now, that's no forever. Some of my yesses have been for family time/vacations which is good, but it also has "stolen" my art time and kept me from feeling like I am on some sort of regular schedule.
I guess overall, I'm pretty far out of my comfort zone. All of the patterns I've set for myself over the last few years have been knocked askew. I know that after some time, I'll get the hang of this. I'm just having a little trouble being patient in the meantime.
My new mantra: KEEP MOVING FORWARD! KEEP MOVING FORWARD! KEEP MOVING FORWARD!
aww...shel....i feel for you. i am a firm believer we can create our perfect life. keep affirming positives and keep moving forward. we have to have the experiences in order to know what feel good to us. someone elses subjectivity on us isn't really what we are about. it will all work for your highest good. just trust and believe in yourself. and when you can't - i'll be right beside you cheering you on! you can have it all shel. yes, you really can.
ReplyDeleteYou need to talk to someone who has been where you are. Maybe a few people. People who succeeded, people you respect and trust.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you ARE good enough to teach at "those things." You are a wonderful teacher with truly creative ideas. Not only did I enjoy BOTH classes I took with you at ART IS YOU, I was disappointed I didn't get to take a THIRD class!
ReplyDeleteThis was your first year trying all of this and now you know better what to expect. You don't HAVE to say yes to everything. You can pick and choose the right thing for you.
As long as it means coming back to Petaluma!!!
-Amy
Crafting by Candlelight
Sometimes saying "yes" is a LOT easier than saying "No"!!! You've got one year under your belt and are learning what works and what doesn't in your life. It's been a jam packed year, Shelly!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd definitely give yourself some credit . . . . your work is exceptional and definitely worth submitting for art workshop events!!!!! Hugs, Terri xoxo
these are really tough questions! knowing you as a person and as an artist i have a really hard time believing that you are "not good enough". i think it's a bit of a game trying to figure out what kind of workshops people are willing to pay for, what they're looking for, what's overwhelming/empowering...etc. you get my drift. if this is truly something you want to pursue, which i'm not sure it is due to family strain, i really think that sometimes-things just take time... and perseverance. maybe this isn't the season? all that travel sounds hard with small children, especially with a working husband. you are young and have a full life ahead of you. sorry, i'm totally rambling. but, i just want you to know that i think you're awesome! and talented! :)
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